A video to keep him still. Daddy taking pictures. Mommy wielding the scissors.
With only minor interruptions from big bro & sis and our little croc has a new style.
My birthday
I woke up, poured myself a cup of coffee (which my wonderful husband made),
and looked out my front window to see white flakes falling.
My birthday present from God, a fresh snowfall.
I used to wish for snow for my birthday when I was a kid.
It was beautiful.
Then during what would normally be a long, frustrating trip to do major shopping.
The kids discovered the hot & ready counter which had corndogs and potato wedges.
Then just when things could have taken a turn for the worst,
we found the most amazing cereal a kid could ask for so into the cart it went.
I spent time with my kids; building LEGO emergency vehicles,
reading books (shout out to our local library), and snacking on that amazing find!
The end of the day brought a new love. I have lived in Illinois for 19 years now,
but until this year had never understood the pizza obsession.
When we moved to the Chicago area, we decided to find our favorite pizza place.
For my birthday, we had what has become my favorite deep dish pizza.
Laying in bed after a whole day of knowing it was my birthday,
I had the realization that I hadn’t even thought about how old I was.
No, this wasn’t a big year, but what I realized is that after a certain point in my life
I just quit thinking about my age unless I need it for something.
So I actually had to take a moment and figure out my age.
That never happened when I was a kid!
Living with Less
For years Marcus has felt we have too many things. At times I have agreed; yes, too many clothes, let’s pare it down. Most of the time though I rationalized. We will need some of these things in the next season of our life, I would tell myself and him. I did not want to give away toys, because we still had kids at different stages. I didn’t want to get rid of craft things because I could use them with the kids (for the most part I have not) or maybe I would be able to find time for those endeavors (I have not). Then there are just random things that have my sentimentality wrapped up in them, things from college or my childhood or given to me by someone special (and truth be told these very likely will make the parsing cut). End story being, even though Marc has had a desire to lighten the load, I have not. End result being, we have accumulated more and more things because there have been birthdays and holidays and sales!
OH THE CLUTTER!
Over the last weeks I have been taking stock of the things around my house and life. My conclusion, we have too much. So my desire for the next months is to choose to have less. This is part of a bigger goal that Marc and I are talking about having for our family of living a life counter our culture. Our desire is to slow down, make less commits of our time & resources in order to have more experiences and adventures with our kids. We don’t plan on nixing everything from the calendar, but choosing to have less stress on our time and by making this choice freeing ourselves from feeling guilty about not adding something to the routine.
So it is the middle of winter, the clutter in my life is killing me. Well, not killing me, but driving me insane. I need it to change and not when warm weather and a garage sale are potential options. I NEED CHANGE NOW. I have been trying to work out how do I go about this (because if you know me you know I love a good system). This is what I have come up with is using a tried and true three prong approach.
Step one: set aside a set amount of time each week to work on this project of getting rid of clutter
Step two: determine for a given group of things what will be kept
Step three: give a designation to the rest: trash (recycling when possible), donation, garage sale
Because toys seem to be the largest section of clutter for us currently. My plan is to tackle this area first. I want our kids to have fun things to play with, but the amount of fun things has gotten out of hand. So over the next couple of weeks, I am going to begin decluttering our toy collection. My hope is to bring my kids into the process as well and teach them about giving to others. Though if the first sessions don’t go well, it may become a late night project because after all I am a survivalist mom.
So that is the plan. Let the de-cluttering of 2015 begin.
Lost inside myself
Have you had that feeling? You know the one where you feel lost inside yourself? For the past few days I have been dealing with this phenomenon. For me the worst part of this phenomenon is that I have a knowledge that I have sunk into myself. That realization is perhaps the most frustrating part of the experience.
The last few days have looked like this. I wake up, but wish that I could just sink into my bed and never come back up. That I could lay there and no one would need me, no one would miss me, and that I could just, if possible, become invisible. I don’t desire to cease to exist, I just don’t want to interact with anyone. Unfortunately, that is not possible for me. I have a husband, three kids, friends, & coworkers. So instead of sinking into bed, I get up. But I don’t change out of my pajamas (in fact I haven’t for three days). I just get out of bed and go to the couch. I open my computer, turn on netflix and get lost in the imaginary world of various shows. I step out of this pretend world to interact with my kids. I read a book. I fix lunch. I play LEGO. I turn on a video for them. I go back to my isolated world, until I have to interrupted again. I do some work. Luckily I work from home, so change of clothes needed. I interact with my husband. It isn’t pretty. I just want to sleep, cuddle the kids, ignore the mess that is collecting around me (the house has suffered my apathy), and NOT interact with anyone. So, conversation is stilted. He attempts to encourage me. He offers me sleep. He get frustrated. He helps around the house. He loves me. He must feel so helpless.
I feel helpless. I am lost in myself. I desire to not be stuck. I don’t want to sit and not engage. I don’t want to waste the little time I have with my husband on his days off. I don’t want to minimally be a mom. I don’t want to feel fuzzy like I am only accessing a small portion of my brain. But every effort to pull myself out of myself drains me more.
Finally, I begin to pray. I pray that God would allow me to wake up and not feel like disappearing. I pray, when I wake up, this weight would be lifted off my spirit. I ask a new friend to also pray for me. I pray as I sit. I keep praying when different moments present themselves. I am still praying. The feeling isn’t gone. I still feel lost in myself. But in the lostness, I have also seen victories.
For the first time, I was able to say to my husband that I think I am depressed. And in reality, I don’t know for sure if that is what this is, but it is the only word I could find to explain to someone else what has been happening. Literally, after being asked multiple times what was going on, all I could say and just one time only was, “I think I am depressed.” It isn’t that I haven’t been asked previous days, I have been, but couldn’t find words. Today, after prayer, even though putting it to words was intensely painful, I was finally able to.
Today, I found the energy to engage with my family for small amounts of time. I played LEGO with Danger and Courage during a nap time. I read book upon book after dinner. These may seem small, trust me that is not a false perception. They are small, but they are victories for me.
I found myself critically problem solving, something that has been turned off in my brain for a few days. If something has needed high brain function, I have avoided it the last few days. Today, I prayed God would allow me to tackle one critical thinking task. It wasn’t smooth. There were lots of starts and stops. I still have a major issue for my task to overcome before it is completed. But I was able to put my brain through the roller coaster of thoughts and figure out some solutions. It is a beginning.
But more than any of these things, I found myself having hope again. A hope that isn’t based on being better. But a hope that I am loved by my creator even in the midst of this struggle. A hope that says I don’t have to be ashamed, because God accepts and loves me even when I am not at my best. Even when I am lost in myself and only partially functioning and wishing I was invisible to the world. God love me. And that knowledge is a light to me. It pulls at my heart and mind. It give me hope. It gives me the strength to keep persevering.
I am still lost in myself, even as I write this. I am struggling to figure out how to explain to my husband how I can put all this to words here, but can’t communicate it to him in person. I feel like pulling a blanket around myself, crying, and going to sleep for days. But God’s word reminds me I am not alone. I have been reading Psalm 42 over and over today.
Psalm 42
As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God. My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When shall I come and appear before God? My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me all the day long, “Where is your God?” These things I remember, as I pour out my soul: how I would go with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God with glad shouts and songs of praise, a multitude keeping festival. Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God. My soul is cast down within me; therefore I remember you from the land of Jordan and of Hermon, from Mount Mizar. Deep calls to deep at the roar of your waterfalls; all your breakers and your waves have gone over me. By day the LORD commands his steadfast love, and at night his song is with me, a prayer to the God of my life. I say to God, my rock: “Why have you forgotten me? Why do I go mourning because of the oppression of the enemy?” As with a deadly wound in my bones, my adversaries taunt me, while they say to me all the day long, “Where is your God?” Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.
David says, three time that his soul is cast down. He pleads with himself. He asks, “why are you in turmoil within me?” This is a plea I know well. But what follows each time rings true for my heart as well. “Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.” I don’t understand this lost place, but I do know my God. His song is in me. He washes over me in waves of peace. He is steadfast. He is here with me in this and he will see me through this dark place. It may not be tonight. I may not be tomorrow. But I am not alone. I have hope and a mighty God.
Library Time
Skokie Public Library on the last day of January. Playing, listening to music, and picking out books.
Daytime Slumber
As mentioned in the previous post nights have not exactly been for sleeping. This has led to Stalwart passing out in random places and at random times throughout the day.
Taking a quick nap in the guest room while everyone else had lunch.
Climbed up and passed out in the rocking chair in his bedroom after playing with LEGO.
Nighttime Games
We have moved the toddler from a crib to a toddler bed, because shock of shocks – he’s a climber. But here is the thing I forgot how this stage feels a bit like having an infant again…except in this stage instead of cries it is a thud and the pitter patter of tiny feet and a cute toddler voice saying,”mama? dada?” that wakes you AND simultaneously begins the game of Marco Polo toddler hide & seek in the dark. Wherein it is assured you will do at least one of these things: a) step on that piece of LEGO you saw and lazily left in the hallway because your were tired, and/or b) stub your toe or otherwise hit some body part on a piece of furniture or doorframe as you attempt to navigate your home with the curtain shrouded moon as your light source and a small voice as your guide. After quick round of this game the said toddler is definitely in a game mood, but is also definitely still tired…which leads to another more high risk game – Back to Bed Craps (think casino, not diarrhea). After spending a few moments attempting to convince your toddler that now is not game time, but indeed sleep time, you roll the dice and see if upon being taken back to rejoin his siblings in the cave of slumber the dots add up to a crap shoot, a push, or a payout (meaning you get to go back to bed). A bad roll of the dice gets you two or more awake, whiny and crying children. Not an outcome to be taken lightly. Multiple times over the last few nights I have asked myself, “Do I feel lucky?” as I rub my foot that is still smarting from the LEGO and think, “No, but my other option is having the toddler sleep with me”…so I roll the dice, say a prayer, and put the toddler back to bed.
How I named the blog
So after months of trying to think of what to call my blog and multiple moments of thinking I just need to do something. Here it is.
Kare N 4 Da, Co, & St, Marc Us
I came to the name because, well, I’m Karen and my husband is Marcus. And our three kids have the middle names Danger, Courage, and Stalwart.
For those who don’t know, when Marc and I first became pregnant Danger got thrown into the mix of middle names for our first born. After multiple discussions and prayer we decided that we liked the idea of Danger as a middle name for our son. Our thought was that in Biblical times names were blessings and we wanted to have that tradition in our family as well. We want him to lead a dangerous life. Our desire is that he would go out and take great risks in life. That his life would be one that is not complacent.
When we were pregnant a second time, I felt strongly that I wanted the blessing to be that our daughter was courageous. In the face of adversity, fear, challenges I pray that she will go forth with courage. Life is easy and my prayer for our daughter is that through it all she would be courageous.
Then there came our third born. We spent a lot of time (months), not thinking of names. And then a lot of times (hours upon hours in a short time frame) deciding on a name. We were having a boy and we wanted his name to be strong. I desired that he would be persevering. Marcus wanted him to be loyal. The prayer for this son is that he is stalwart.
In the end, I chose this name because we spend a lot of time caring for these three young souls and in the process it marks us. We grow, we expand, we become better versions of ourselves as we guide them to be who God created them to be.
A Little Old, Hopefully a Lot New
Okay…way back seven years ago Marc and I made a wedding website to share moments along the way, give people helpful info, etc. When the wedding was over, I sort of archived that site into another site I was hoping to create wherein I would begin to tell the story of our lives. Well, point in fact, our lives got so busy figuring out blogging about them just lost its appeal. But somewhere in the back of my mind, eventually having a place to write was a desire of mine. Then when Hamilton was born (in a post labor haze and in full nesting phase) I thought, NOW, now is the time to start really blogging. But let’s face it, that was my postpartum OCD talking and the reality of my life was that that was not going to happen. So here we are after years of pregnancy paranoia (yes, when pregnant i used to imagine crazy things…oh I want to tell you right now, but how about another day?) followed by postpartum anxiety & OCD, followed by pregna…well you get it. Rinse & repeat three times and it is 2015. I think this is the year I am going to do this (though I have thought that before). It might be the year. I hope it is the year, because starting to write.to tell story.to share love & joy.to reach out in the pain & sorrow.to connect my inner thoughts to something tangible. is something that has been a low but consistent hum inside of me for years. So here I go, wish me luck. Anything below this post was what random bits I did years ago that I don’t have the heart to destroy. Everything above is my new beginning. Come along and enjoy this ride with me.
Going to the Dorms
We are excited to announce Cornerstone Christian Fellowship will be planting small groups in the residence halls over the next year.
This spring Marcus will be coordinating with a student host, and an older student leader to hold an outreach oriented small group in the dorms. This will put Christ in front of students in a way they have never experienced.
During this spring session we will be finding out what works and what doesn’t work for curriculum and promotion. By the fall we want to plant two or three more, all with student leadership, all right in the middle of the lives of students.
Kare N 4 Da, Co, & St Marc Us 